Helpful Articles
- Divorced and Separated Recovery Group
- Conflict is Healthy!
- Marching to a different tune
- Differentiation in relationships
- Boosting Self Esteem
- Stress Reduction Techniques For Women
Divorced and Separated Recovery Group
Rebuilding when your relationship ends
If you have recently had a marriage or other significant relationship end by divorce or separation the chances are you have experienced many deep emotions which might include sadness, depair, anger, helplessness and hopelessness. You may wonder whether you will ever manage to get through the pain and feel "normal" again. These feelings ARE normal for the situation you are in and are part of the grieving you are going through. It is a necessary part of the ending of a phase of your life and marks the beginning of a period of adjustment, followed by recovery and rebuilding your life.
To help you to move through this process, as well as our one day workshops we regularly run a 10 week course, one evening per week, based on the work of Dr Bruce Fisher.
The course will help you to look at the breadown of your relationship and explore the social, emotional and psychological aspects of the divorce and/or separation process. This can often help to make the financial, legal and co-parenting issues easier to resolve.
The philosophy of the course is based on the premise that if normal emotionally healthy people are given information, guidance and support they will be able to work through a crisis and turn it into a creative experience.
Groups are usually 10-15 participants, and the fee of £200 includes course materials and light refreshments.
Contact us for further details.
Conflict is healthy!
I am always amazed how people who make commitments to spend their lives together fail to consider how they will resolve conflicts between them when they arise. They make life plans like buying houses, starting a family, sharing their lives together, all of which have potential for conflict, but they have no mechanism for resolving the conflict which inevitably arises in all relationships.
I am not being critical here; I made the same mistake myself in my first marriage. I didn't know about conflict resolution - and didn't know that I didn't know!
Generally speaking no one teaches us conflict resolution, which is an interpersonal life skill, aiming for a win/win solution. Most of us are just familiar with arguing to win. If you or your partner find yourselves having recurring arguments or disagreements about an issue you may find the following process useful:
Reaching Resolution
1. Accept that this is a recurring area of tension or conflict.
2. Recognise that arguing about it or avoiding arguing about it does not resolve matters
3. Set aside a time, at least an hour after an argument, when you can both sit down uninterrupted by visitors or phone calls to address the matter.
4. Decide who will speak first, A or B
5. If A is first, A states what s/he is unhappy about
6. B repeats back to A what s/he has heard and asks "is there anything else?"
7. If A has more to say or if something needs to be clarified - s/he carries on.
8. When A has finished discharging thoughts, feeling and perceptions about the issue they change over.
9. B then responds to what A has said by expressing his/her point of view, thoughts, feelings and perceptions.
10. A repeats back to B what s/he has heard and says "is there anything else?"
11. When B has finished it is A's turn again.
12. The process continues until both parties have discharged what they needed to say and feel that they have been heard and understood by the other party.
Clear Communication Relationships stand or fall on the quality of communication. This is an essential skill to practice. The important thing about this process is that it is about understanding each other's point of view. The more partners feel understood by each other, the greater their capacity for intimacy. Remember also that it is important to express thoughts and feelings as well as being clear about what it is that you want as an outcome. At the end of the process you still may not agree but you will have understood each other's point of view and taken each other and your relationship seriously enough to spend some time improving it. At the very least each party benefits from the good intentions and respectful behaviour of the other.
Respect is conveyed by:
- Active listening
- Showing courtesy
- Engaging in eye contact
- Affirmative head nodding
- Facial expression
- Not passing judgment
Marching to a different tune
I saw a young man recently who presented telling me that he had a history of mental illness and he was worried that he was about to have another bout. Upon enquiry it turned out that he had a number of periods of depression as a younger man for which he was treated with anti-depressants with variable results.
More recently his wife had ended their marriage and his three children were living with her. It was very normal for him to be feeling acutely unhappy and bereft given his circumstances. As the weeks went by and I got to know him, it became apparent to me that his dominant function was feeling (see speaking different Languages). The fact that he was predominantly a Feeling type meant that he would feel quite overwhelmed by his emotions at times and was unable to function. He concluded from this that he must be depressed, as indeed his GP did also. When we examined his previous episodes of being "depressed" they were also at times in his life when he experienced the loss of a significant relationship, either through death or the end of a romance, and it was perfectly normal for him to be unhappy.
I explained to him about Emotional Intelligence, part of which is our capacity to soothe ourselves when we feel hurt or angry. If we were fortunate enough in childhood to have a carer who soothed us by taking time to hold us , look at us, pay attention and give appropriate stroking and "don't worry, it will be alright" kind of dialogue - chances are we will have internalised that dialogue and stance towards ourselves. If we had a carer who told us to "stop that crying" or called us names such as "don't be such a wimp", not only have we not learned how to soothe ourselves, but what we have learned is to shame ourselves and put ourselves down - which was the case with this young man - compounding his painful situation. He was relieved to learn that not only was he not mentally ill, but that he could change his situation with some psycho-education and effective thinking skills. He learned that there are times in all our lives when we experience painful events and that generally speaking these times pass more quickly if we can have realistic self-talk and take appropriate care of ourselves, as if we were our own best friends. The use of affirmations and realistic self-talk is helpful.
If you are experiencing a painful time at the moment try reminding yourself of the following:
- It is OK for me to feel distressed for a while
- I will use this experience to learn something new
- This painful/difficult situation will be over one day
- I am not responsible for making others OK
- I choose to be a happy person
- I am respectful to others and deserve to be respected
- My past does not have to determine my future
- I cannot control the behaviour of others
- What is, is.
- I am a worthy and good person.
Grace Chatting August 2006
Suggested reading - 'Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman'
Differentiation in Relationships
This brief article is based on parts of the book Passionate Marriage: Love Sex and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships by David Schnarch.
The basic idea of differentiation is that we all have a strong drive to be free and an equally strong dive to connect with others in an intimate relationship. Accepting this inner conflict helps us to come to terms with it and use it constructively.
Most of us strongly desire connection with others, especially in an intimate relationship. We also have a strong need to control our own destiny.
Attachment is important, but so is freedom and self-direction. If attachment is the only drive, we truncate ourselves and we are unable to be free.
Differentiation allows us to understand and balance the two opposing drive
We desire to be with another and yet we will not submit to another. This is a normal dilemma and conflict in emotionally committed relationships, and we are able to use the conflict in order to grow. This is the core concept. The struggle does not mean there is anything wrong with us or with the relationship. In fact, the struggle within the relationship is giving us the opportunity to develop as a person.
The four main qualities needed for differentiation within intimate relationships can be summed up like this:
1. The ability to maintain a clear sense of who you are whilst you are close to important others such as your partner. You will feel a pressure to conform to the other person and a pressure to be yourself. Communication may be painful when others tell you who they think you are. They may be able to see this better than you can.
2. The ability to self-soothe and regulate your own anxiety. We learn to do this as infants. This means that we can hold our own needs and we don't need to depend on others when we feel anxious. We can tolerate our own fear or anxiety without demanding that our partners make it OK for us. If you can do this, the people you love then have freedom rather than having to soothe you. A loving partner can free their partner from this burden.
3. The ability to control our own reactions. If we can reduce our reactivity we can be closer. This does not mean that we don't care - not caring is just a way of removing yourself from the relationship. If we can care deeply and still be close, controlling out own reactions can allow us to be close to others. You are entitled to your feelings, but you are not entitled to expect those around you to regulate them for you. If you expect others to react to you and soothe you, you are driven by need, and although relationships may start in this way there is no growth available in maintaining this neediness.
4. The willingness to tolerate discomfort in return for the opportunity for growth. If you want to be a more mature, independent and loving person you will need to grow into it, and growth carries on throughout your life. When you change you will be in unknown country and you will be uncomfortable, perhaps anxious and insecure. If you can tolerate this, you give yourself a chance to get used to new ideas, assimilate them and move on.
The balance needed is to be close and also stand on our own two feet at the same time. What our partner does is not done to us. The world seems unsafe if others have to validate and regulate us. Safety comes from our own self-regulation.
Alan Chatting January 2005.
Boosting Self Esteem
When you consider that low self-esteem is usually the result of negative messages being absorbed by the subconscious, it makes sense that feeding your mind more positive messages can make a powerful difference! What stops most people is the uncertainty of what to say, and how to word affirmations for optimal effectiveness. Below you’ll find some simple tips to help you write effective affirmations for improving your self-esteem.
Present tense. First, it’s helpful to word affirmations in present tense, not future. You wouldn’t want to say, “I will learn to love myself” because that makes it sound like you’ll get around to it “someday.” Instead you could say, “I choose to love myself now.” The wording of that affirmation does two things: it empowers you with the addition of the words “choose to,” and it puts the timeframe in the present moment.
Believable. At the same time, your affirmations should be believable to you. If you tried to say, “I am a wonderful person with a lot to offer the world,” you may not really believe that, so your subconscious mind might reject it. Instead, try to focus on a process rather than an end result in your affirmations. Say something like, “I am learning to embrace my uniqueness and share it confidently with others.”
Use the right tone. When you recite affirmations, you can do so aloud or just mentally, but you should focus heavily on the TONE you use. Rather than saying the words without emotion like you were reading a newspaper – really inject an element of love and tenderness into them. Your subconscious mind picks up on the emotional aspect of what you’re saying more than the actual words. Imagine the difference between saying the words, “I really love myself” with a tone of love and compassion, or sarcasm. Which do you think would have a greater impact on your subconscious mind?
Repetition. Once you’ve got some affirmations formed to work on your self-esteem, try saying them several times a day. Remember, your subconscious mind is constantly playing back old, negative messages – so you want to counteract those as much as possible. Keep reciting your more positive thoughts on a regular basis - especially when you become aware that you’re thinking negatively about yourself.
We desire to be with another and yet we will not submit to another. This is a normal dilemma and conflict in emotionally committed relationships, and we are able to use the conflict in order to grow. This is the core concept. The struggle does not mean there is anything wrong with us or with the relationship. In fact, the struggle within the relationship is giving us the opportunity to develop as a person.
Give it time.
Finally, remember that it will take time to change those old, negative messages in your mind to something more positive. It may take a few weeks or even months before you’ll notice an obvious difference in how you feel, and you may be tempted to think it isn’t working. Keep with it, and you will begin to see a difference eventually! Most likely it will be a gradual change. Little by little you’ll s tart feeling more positive, and notice that you’re feeling a bit happier and lighter. That’s your signal that it’s working!
Stress Reduction Techniques For Women
Amongst careers, children, aging parents, relationships, finances and who knows what else, women have a lot of things that can potentially cause great stress in their lives. Stress can cause our immune systems to become compromised, as well as depression, weight gain or loss, loss of sex drive, difficulty with concentrating and just plain crabbiness.
What can we do to help ourselves with all this stress? There are many ways to relax and de-stress every day. You can try things like meditation, visualization, a nice bath, writing in a journal, a good workout or some self-pampering.
The problem is that many women say they simply don’t have time for any of this. The simple answer to that is that if you don’t take time to take care of yourself, you’re going to be ineffective at best at taking care of anyone or anything else.
You really need to find time to allow yourself to de-stress. Here is a list of techniques and things you can do to reduce stress in your life:
Organize, simplify and delegate. Stop thinking you can, or you have to do everything, all at once and all by yourself. Find ways to better organize your life and your home. Use calendars and lists.
Get rid of the clutter that you don’t use or need (be brutal), stop worrying about dusting the house every week – if it’s that important, have one of the kids do it or get a cleaner. Better yet, realize that the sun doesn’t rise and set depending on whether your coffee table is dust-free or not.
Practice tried and true forms of relaxation. Meditation isn’t difficult to learn and it can do wonders for helping you reduce stress in your life. Even if you only meditate for 10 or 15 minutes a day, you can use a mediation CD to learn, or join a class.
Another method used for deep relaxation is visualization or guided imagery. You can purchase CDs that guide you to a state of deep relaxation and back out again. For many women, these are very helpful.
Get some exercise! You can take up Qigong or Tai Chi which can be learned in class or by using an instructional DVD. Yoga is also wonderful for helping to reduce stress.
These forms of exercise have other benefits beside stress reduction. You can also reduce stress by doing a more traditional workout every day - or even every other day. Join a gym, or get a workout buddy. Walk or run for exercise or take a kickboxing class to really get rid of some pent up tension.
Other good ways to reduce stress include writing in a journal every day. Just let it all out. Allow yourself to go to the spa for a massage once in awhile and really enjoy the experience.
Practice deep breathing and pay attention to your breathing all day long. If you notice yourself shallow breathing, stop and concentrate on taking some good, healthy, deep breaths. Take a warm bath and follow by cuddling up in your favourite pyjamas with a good book.
The pressure to perform is intense for women. We are mothers, partners, daughters, employees and employers. We serve on committees and help with the local volunteer group. Sometimes we get stressed out.
The need for time to relax and pay attention to our own bodies and minds is great, and we cannot ignore that need.
Make time for yourself NOW!
Stay happy
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